Are you familiar with the work of Kraftwerk? Skinny Puppy? Husker Du? Did you know that Robert Plant, in addition to singing in Led Zepellin, was also one of the founders of what is now unfortunately referred to as "alternative rock?"
We at 94.9 bet that you didn’t. You probably even use the term alternative rock don’t you? Well, you are an idiot. You know less about music than the IT guy who fixes our computers when they go down.
Here at 94.9, where it’s about the music, we know more about music than you do. That’s right. Actually, it’s not so much about the music as it is knowing the most about music. Our DJ’s make college radio DJ’s look like Rick Dees. Matt Pinfield stopped by the other day and said, “damn you guys know a lot about music.” And that’s true, we do know a lot about music.
If indie rock had a clitoris, 94.9 would be in a constant state of fingering that clitoris. Bow to the giant pulsating phallus that is 94.9. Get on your knees and worship the glistening cock that is San Diego’s only source for good music.
You probably think that the stuff you’ve been listening to is good don’t you? I bet you have a classic rock station preprogrammed on your car radio. You probably think that Radiohead’s best album is OK Computer. You probably think that Nirvana’s best album is Nevermind…gotcha, that one was a trick. Nirvana’s best album actually was Nevermind, one of the few instances of a band’s most commercially successful work also being the most accomplished artistically. But even if you do think Nevermind is Nirvana’s best album, it’s most likely for the wrong reasons.
You’re probably going to say you were in a band in high school. Well we were in five, and we played a different instrument in each. You played a five string bass? You pussy. We played a six, fretless.
In fact, this station is so cool, you shouldn’t even be listening to it. Go listen to 91 X. Better yet, why don’t you go to the Hard Rock café and eat buffalo wings while you listen to The Verve Pipe. We’ll be in a corner booth at a trendy North Park dive bar listening to Lou Reed and drinking Stella Artois. What’s the name of this bar you might ask? Don’t worry, you’ve never heard of it.
Or instead maybe you and your parents can go have some rockin’ times at the Steely Dan show this weekend. We’ll be wearing a Replacements t-shirt and throwing blood on the concert attendees. Plan on sneaking a joint into the show? We’ll be doing so much Ketamine that we’ll appear comatose.
At 94.9 we recognize that most people are not nearly cool enough to listen to us (In fact, we’ve crunched some numbers and it turns out that there are actually less than ten in the entire City of San Diego). We’re so cool, our office staff are required to wear ear plugs because they are unworthy of the musical gospels we preach.
94.9, it’s about thinking you’re awesome.
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About the Author
For the last 8 years, the author and a few dozen fellow travelers have been plotting to overthrow the United States government by force. Their [secret] group is called the Protectorate. The Protectorate receive their funding from El Salvadorian Neosocialist revolutionaries with ties to the head of Venezuela's Banco Central de Venezuela [the equivalent of our Federal Reserve], Gaston Para Luzardo. This funding derives in large part from arms sales to fledgling Third World plutocracies. The proceeds from these arms sales are laundered through a Ukranian contact living in Bolivia known simply as “Boris.” “Boris” launders the money by converting it to gold bouillon and British Pound Sterling that are transported to Caracas via a red 400 Hawker XP piloted by Johann Guttenberg, a German expatriot and sometime mercenary with a penchant for Shizer films and all they entail. Johann’s father, Gerrhardt Guttenberg, was a soldier in the Third Reich and many people believe that Johann’s superior interrogation skills derive from Gerrhardt’s teachings.
Once the cargo arrives in Caracas, deputies of Venezuela’s Ministerio de la Defensa secret said cargo to a substation in San Cristobal operated by Manuel Pablo Contrares, a Cuban intellectual militarist trained by members of Mossad, Israel’s secret service. Manuel, a reliable if not temperamental loyalist, distributes cocaine [or “cocaina”] under the guise of a textile manufacturing concern misleadingly named “Los Chicos.” The profits from the sales of this cocaine distributorship are the primary source of funding for the Protectorate’s weaponry, training facilities located 12 miles Northeast of Uberlandia, Brazil, as well as its extensive network of subversive underground press.
Once the cargo arrives in Caracas, deputies of Venezuela’s Ministerio de la Defensa secret said cargo to a substation in San Cristobal operated by Manuel Pablo Contrares, a Cuban intellectual militarist trained by members of Mossad, Israel’s secret service. Manuel, a reliable if not temperamental loyalist, distributes cocaine [or “cocaina”] under the guise of a textile manufacturing concern misleadingly named “Los Chicos.” The profits from the sales of this cocaine distributorship are the primary source of funding for the Protectorate’s weaponry, training facilities located 12 miles Northeast of Uberlandia, Brazil, as well as its extensive network of subversive underground press.
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