May 14, 2007


White liberal waiting for really good reason to criticize Barack Obama.

Feb 21, 2007

Supreme Court Really Trying to Get Away From Doing First Amendment Cases

Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. announced during a recent speech to his alma mater Harvard Law School’s graduating class that the high court is “really trying to get away from doing First Amendment Cases.”

“They just don’t have the sex appeal they used to,” he continued. “The rage right now is issues of disagreement among the circuits.”

“Hey, I love a good First Amendment case as much as the next guy,” said the Chief Justice, “but they can’t all be Brandenburg v. Ohio.”

Feb 19, 2007

Bruce Meyer: the First White Guy to Jokingly Act Like a Very Stereotypical White Guy Poorly Imitating a Very Stereotypical Black Guy

In case you’ve ever wondered who was the first white guy to jokingly act like a very stereotypical white guy poorly imitating a very stereotypical black guy, that man was Bruce Meyer.

Bruce Meyer spent much of his life in relative obscurity, just another grinder with a mortgage, a wife and horrible, horrible clothes. But on February 23, 1987, Bruce Meyer secured his place in history with three words: “What up homes?” Bruce Meyer not only went outside the fold with his selection of ebonic phrase, but his famous utterance also carried the most obnoxious country club voice anyone has ever heard.

Anytime you hear one of your white friends say something like “Word” in a lavishly exaggerated tone, you have Bruce Meyer to blame. Also blame the savage whim of fate because had it not been for Bruce Meyer being forced into a situation in which he had to act “cool” to his sister’s new black boyfriend, you may never have been subjected to thousands of Saturday Night Live skits in which a white man or woman inevitably/“humorously” fails at rapping.

Bruce Meyer may well be described as the 1980s equivalent to the “You know the difference between men and women?” stand up routine guy of the 1990s. Then again, the “I’m a heterosexual male but just so gosh darn cute even though maybe a little feminine” (see, any episode of Friends) guy of this decade/pit of fire might learn a thing or two from Bruce Meyer about staying power.

However you chop it up, Bruce Meyer deserves to be shot. Then, maybe we can say there’s been a little justice.

Feb 13, 2007

American Voter Apathy Blamed For American Voter Apathy

The relatively recent phenomenon of low voter turnout in the United States, commonly referred to as “voter apathy,” has defied explanation by political scientists for decades. A new breakthrough, though, claims to have finally explained why American voters don’t turn out at the polls. According to leading political thinkers at the University of Chicago, voter apathy is to blame for all of the recent voter apathy.

Dr. Michael Monroe’s new article “How American Voter Apathy is Responsible for Voter Apathy Among American Voters,” has been mentioned in the same breath as Henry Fairlie’s “The Politician’s Art” by many academics. In his article, Dr. Monroe describes the American voter apathy anomaly, unique among Western representative democracies, as a “vicious cycle” and a “self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Explains Monroe, “the best analogy I can give is a neighborhood boy who is taught from early on in his life that he is good for nothing. He’ll never amount to anything. It’s very hard to come back from something like that. Eventually, you start to think, ‘You know, maybe I am good for nothing.’ And so the cycle continues.”

Feb 11, 2007

Review of Bob Dylan’s “The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan” by Devin Lester (college student)

Boy, this album has really got some good songs on it. I mean, like, this album should be considered one of the best of all time. There’s this one song on it called “Blowin’ in the Wind”…totally awesome! I think one of my friends’ parents or somebody like that played it for me when we were getting lifted off a big Bob Marley joint last weekend. Isn’t that sweet when you meet a parent who isn’t all establishment and shit? It’s like, thank you! I mean God, my parents are always coming down on me and it’s like…I am so tired of dealing with your negativity Mom and Dad, not to mention your bourgeois corporate propaganda.

Back to the album, though, I’ve been really identifying with Bob Dylan lately. I just feel like we have a spiritual connection, even though I don’t believe in organized religion. Opiate of the masses right?

You know, I was shrooming my balls off last weekend and my friend Fart Dog [was it Fart Dog or Cheese?] was like, dude, don’t you ever think there’s more to life than working for some big company in some tall building with a bunch of Fascist pigs? By the way, his name isn’t really Fart Dog, it’s actually Ryan. He’s really smart, too. He hasn’t been to one organic chemistry lecture this semester and he’s still pulling a C. Think if he actually tried!

I think the first time I heard Bob Dylan was at a happy hour my freshman year. The song was about a man with a maraca. I thought it was a little weird that Dylan was singing about some maraca man but you don’t question pure fucking genius, right? We had so many fucking shots that night it was ridiculous. I was like, “hey guys, I’m just sticking to beer today.” But all my boys started drinking tequila and it was so over.

But Dylan is such a genius! He stands for everything I think I believe. He’s anti-establishment, he’s counter-culture, he doesn’t play by the rules of mainstream society and he refuses to serve American consumerism.

I’m taking this introduction to Marxist thought class and I think I may be a socialist. Who knows though, right? Today socialism. Tomorrow, maybe Buddhism.

Anyway, you gotta get Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits. It kicks so much ass. Maybe I’ll catch you at the Rusted Root show this weekend. Free the Hurricane!

Jan 30, 2007

Poll: Most Americans Think Bush Is Doing Okay, All Things Considered

Sample Peggy Wilson, Secretary of Duluth, Minnesota Daughters of the Revolution, mother, reader to local senior citizens when she doesn’t have a conflict with one of her kids’ sporting events and/or practices, school band events and/or practices or whatever her dumb sister has her roped into doing that week.
Methodology We had a reporter stop Peggy while she was walking into First National Bank to ask her about President George W. Bush.
What she said “You know, I think if you asked the average American how the President is doing, they would say he’s doing okay, all things considered.” When asked what she meant by the phrase “All things considered,” Peggy explained, “With all the criticism he gets from people, it’s a wonder he’s able to get out of bed in the morning.”
When asked if she voted for President Bush in the last election “That’s none of your business, buster!”

Jan 25, 2007

I Think It’s Time We Had A House Meeting

All right guys, I think there are some issues that need to be addressed as far as the house goes. I think it’s time we had a house meeting. I don’t want to be a bad roommate or anything, but there have just been a few things lately that are becoming more and more frequent and I want to nip them in the bud. Mike, T., I know you guys are new in the house this year so you’re not completely familiar with the way we do things, but I keep seeing ketchup packets on the counter next to the toaster. That’s totally not where we keep them. The rule from day one our sophomore year was that when you come home from a fast food place, you put the extra ketchup packets in the drawer with the silverware, up front, so you don’t have to reach over all the silverware to get to them. It’s not only safer that way, but to be perfectly honest with you guys, having ketchup packets lying all over the counter makes us look like white trash. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t like looking like white trash. You guys may not be getting any pussy but I’m trying to get some pussy and I don’t want to bring a chick home from the bar to find goddamn ketchup packets lying on the kitchen counter. It’s just ridiculous.

Okay, next, and I can’t stress this enough guys, you gotta bring your empties out with you when you leave the shower. A few weekends ago I was bending over this super hot chick when she noticed a Beast Light can sitting next to the shampoo. It totally turned her off. Whoever did that, not cool, all right. Not cool.

Oh, and I know Dave’s out of town this weekend but he wanted me to mention the new Al Pacino poster in the hallway. T., you may not know the rule, so I’m willing to cut you some slack, but we always do a house vote on putting up a new poster in a common area. You can put up whatever you want in your room but we like to keep it pretty democratic with the common areas. That being said, I think it was a pretty sweet poster. Nice work. Just talk to us beforehand next time, that’s all.

Lastly, and this one might be the most important thing, whoever uses the Foreman last each night cleans it. If anybody has any scheduling issues, like night classes, for example, that they think make the system unfair, now is the time to speak up. Otherwise, I expect to find a clean Foreman when I get up in the morning and go into the kitchen for a glass of juice. Everyone in this house is at least 2 decades old. Let’s stop living like freshmen and maybe we’ll all get a little more pussy, all right.

Jan 23, 2007

This Week’s Horoscopes


You will vehemently but diplomatically defend your choice for Best Album of All Time until your friends get way out of line and turn the whole conversation personal. In an effort to avoid losing your temper, you will quietly leave the room and although everyone else will think you are being pissy, you can take comfort in the fact that you know you were the one who was being mature and everyone else was acting like a child.


Your Thursday drive to work will actually be quite a bit quicker than normal, most likely due to the Holiday.


Circumstances beyond your control will affect you.


You will go see a local band and realize why you never go see local bands.


You will see Apocalypse Now and it will freak you the fuck out.


Someone will fart and the smell of that fart, while bad, will not be nearly as bad as you assumed it would be.


You will threaten to commit suicide at the drop of a hat.


North Korea will be about a cunt hair away from blowing us all to shit.


You’ve never been to a musical and, god damn it, this is no time to start.


Somebody will do something that will just make you want to stop giving people chances, you know?