Feb 21, 2007

Supreme Court Really Trying to Get Away From Doing First Amendment Cases

Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. announced during a recent speech to his alma mater Harvard Law School’s graduating class that the high court is “really trying to get away from doing First Amendment Cases.”

“They just don’t have the sex appeal they used to,” he continued. “The rage right now is issues of disagreement among the circuits.”

“Hey, I love a good First Amendment case as much as the next guy,” said the Chief Justice, “but they can’t all be Brandenburg v. Ohio.”

Feb 19, 2007

Bruce Meyer: the First White Guy to Jokingly Act Like a Very Stereotypical White Guy Poorly Imitating a Very Stereotypical Black Guy

In case you’ve ever wondered who was the first white guy to jokingly act like a very stereotypical white guy poorly imitating a very stereotypical black guy, that man was Bruce Meyer.

Bruce Meyer spent much of his life in relative obscurity, just another grinder with a mortgage, a wife and horrible, horrible clothes. But on February 23, 1987, Bruce Meyer secured his place in history with three words: “What up homes?” Bruce Meyer not only went outside the fold with his selection of ebonic phrase, but his famous utterance also carried the most obnoxious country club voice anyone has ever heard.

Anytime you hear one of your white friends say something like “Word” in a lavishly exaggerated tone, you have Bruce Meyer to blame. Also blame the savage whim of fate because had it not been for Bruce Meyer being forced into a situation in which he had to act “cool” to his sister’s new black boyfriend, you may never have been subjected to thousands of Saturday Night Live skits in which a white man or woman inevitably/“humorously” fails at rapping.

Bruce Meyer may well be described as the 1980s equivalent to the “You know the difference between men and women?” stand up routine guy of the 1990s. Then again, the “I’m a heterosexual male but just so gosh darn cute even though maybe a little feminine” (see, any episode of Friends) guy of this decade/pit of fire might learn a thing or two from Bruce Meyer about staying power.

However you chop it up, Bruce Meyer deserves to be shot. Then, maybe we can say there’s been a little justice.

Feb 13, 2007

American Voter Apathy Blamed For American Voter Apathy

The relatively recent phenomenon of low voter turnout in the United States, commonly referred to as “voter apathy,” has defied explanation by political scientists for decades. A new breakthrough, though, claims to have finally explained why American voters don’t turn out at the polls. According to leading political thinkers at the University of Chicago, voter apathy is to blame for all of the recent voter apathy.

Dr. Michael Monroe’s new article “How American Voter Apathy is Responsible for Voter Apathy Among American Voters,” has been mentioned in the same breath as Henry Fairlie’s “The Politician’s Art” by many academics. In his article, Dr. Monroe describes the American voter apathy anomaly, unique among Western representative democracies, as a “vicious cycle” and a “self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Explains Monroe, “the best analogy I can give is a neighborhood boy who is taught from early on in his life that he is good for nothing. He’ll never amount to anything. It’s very hard to come back from something like that. Eventually, you start to think, ‘You know, maybe I am good for nothing.’ And so the cycle continues.”

Feb 11, 2007

Review of Bob Dylan’s “The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan” by Devin Lester (college student)

Boy, this album has really got some good songs on it. I mean, like, this album should be considered one of the best of all time. There’s this one song on it called “Blowin’ in the Wind”…totally awesome! I think one of my friends’ parents or somebody like that played it for me when we were getting lifted off a big Bob Marley joint last weekend. Isn’t that sweet when you meet a parent who isn’t all establishment and shit? It’s like, thank you! I mean God, my parents are always coming down on me and it’s like…I am so tired of dealing with your negativity Mom and Dad, not to mention your bourgeois corporate propaganda.

Back to the album, though, I’ve been really identifying with Bob Dylan lately. I just feel like we have a spiritual connection, even though I don’t believe in organized religion. Opiate of the masses right?

You know, I was shrooming my balls off last weekend and my friend Fart Dog [was it Fart Dog or Cheese?] was like, dude, don’t you ever think there’s more to life than working for some big company in some tall building with a bunch of Fascist pigs? By the way, his name isn’t really Fart Dog, it’s actually Ryan. He’s really smart, too. He hasn’t been to one organic chemistry lecture this semester and he’s still pulling a C. Think if he actually tried!

I think the first time I heard Bob Dylan was at a happy hour my freshman year. The song was about a man with a maraca. I thought it was a little weird that Dylan was singing about some maraca man but you don’t question pure fucking genius, right? We had so many fucking shots that night it was ridiculous. I was like, “hey guys, I’m just sticking to beer today.” But all my boys started drinking tequila and it was so over.

But Dylan is such a genius! He stands for everything I think I believe. He’s anti-establishment, he’s counter-culture, he doesn’t play by the rules of mainstream society and he refuses to serve American consumerism.

I’m taking this introduction to Marxist thought class and I think I may be a socialist. Who knows though, right? Today socialism. Tomorrow, maybe Buddhism.

Anyway, you gotta get Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits. It kicks so much ass. Maybe I’ll catch you at the Rusted Root show this weekend. Free the Hurricane!