Mar 26, 2008

Area Guys Are Hilarious

You’ve seen us, overweight and in need of a shave, hangin’ out at the local bar, slammin’ Guinness and talkin’ loud.

We’re fuckin’ hilarious.

You know it and so do we.

Have you seen Caddyshack? Gunga galunga. Do you like Dave Chappelle? I’m Rick James, bitch! What about Pulp Fiction? Ain’t no muthafuckin’ ballpark neither!

No one is better at repeating the funny things other people have said in movies than us. I, for instance, can say many lines pretty much accurately from several different Bill Murray movies (not just Caddyshack).

Have you ever seen 5 grown men call each other “Doctor” for 13 straight minutes? That was us, doing a little somethin’ from “Spies Like Us,” a certain movie starring Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd. The reason that we were so funny is that the scene we were mimicking was so funny. I mean it was really funny. We actually made that scene funnier, though, because in the movie the characters only call each other “doctor” for 20 to 30 seconds. We pushed the scene to its maximum hilarious capacity by continuing the scene a full 12 and a half minutes beyond its original length. Have you ever seen that movie? It’s awesome, totally underrated…totally underrated.

And what about those Knights of Knee you saw so hilariously romping around by the Dance Dance Revolution game at Dave and Busters? Again, that was us, locking it down, hilariously.

As you can see, the genius in doing what we do derives from an unjustifiably large knowledge of anecdotal movie and TV trivia, particularly about Seinfeld. Once you have pretty much memorized enough bits of comedic dialog, it’s just a matter of waiting for the right moment to pull out one of your gems.

For instance, the next time you hear somebody say that they have a craving for a bowl of soup, you should come in with a quick and hearty “no soup for you.” It will be sure to bring down the house.

Have you seen Office Space? Well, you can bet your ass that we have.

Don’t get me wrong, we also come up with our own jokes from time to time. You know those guys always calling each other fags? That’s us…hilarious. We also make jokes about the length and width of each others’ penises and the frequency with which each other engage in consensual sexual intercourse. That having been said, we always reserve the right to accuse each other of raping women and/or hiring prostitutes if one of us claims to have actually gotten laid (“You must have dropped a roofie on her, fattie, because I know no woman would intentionally fuck you!”). These jokes tend to go hand in hand with jokes about jacking off, because people who can’t get laid have to jack off a lot.

So, if you hadn’t already figured it out, it goes without saying that we are hilarious. Maybe next time one of us spills half a beer on some girl standing next to you and makes her cry, or screams sexually provocative profanities near small children, you’ll be cautious about giving us a hard time, because we are fuckin’ hilarious.

Disclaimer: We are in no way affiliated with the area guys who quote tough guy lines from gangster movies, particularly those starring Al Pacino and Robert Deniro (e.g., “Say hello to my little friend.”). We avoid those guys because they tend to start fights and we are generally too lazy to engage in hand to hand combat (although we definitely make jokes about those guys when they’re out of earshot, and those jokes are hilarious!).