Jul 23, 2008


Point: "You smoke too much weed."

Counterpoint: "Dude, I know."

Jul 22, 2008


Conan O'Brien has Sam Jackson as guest, says nothing of his own whiteness.

Jul 21, 2008


Bad thing happens to good person.

Jul 18, 2008

Area Girls Are So Funny

Oh…my God, my friends and I are so funny! It’s crazy. We’re like, always making jokes and stuff. We go out for ‘tinis after work every Friday and it is sooo much fun. We’re just like the girls from Sex and the City (I’m Carey).

Last week, my friend Jules (Julia) texted me and said all the girls were getting together at this very chic sushi bar downtown for sushi and ‘tinis. So, I finally found a pair of shoes that looked sexy but wouldn’t give me blisters and I met everyone downtown. Before I could say Sixteen Candles I was in the most hilarious conversation you’ve ever heard. The topics ranged from how ridiculous tampon commercials are to how much it sucks to shop for a swimsuit to hating our moms to the fact that we used to put Aquanet in our hair! Can you believe it? Aquanet! Sooo funny! It was so white trash, but in a totally 80s way, I love it!

Then we talked about how it sucks to get panties wadded up in our vaginas. We even used the word vagina, in front of a bunch of total strangers. Some of them were complete prudes and made weird faces at us but what do we care? We’re fabulous. And I think it was my friend Kristin who nearly made us pee our pants with her totally original comment about how under-wires can be uncomfortable. Riiight? Totally.

Then Kat (Katrina) was like, oh…my God. I’m totally dating this guy who wears briefs. What’s that about? What is this, like, 1982? You’ve got to be kidding me. So then this group of guys walks over and totally starts hitting on us. It was so obvious, too. They were all like “Hey ladies.” And we were all like “We don’t want to talk to you stupid boys. We’re fabulous.” And they were like, “whatever” and walked off. So then we were like “we should totally have more ‘tinis.”

So after we got the next round of ‘tinis we had this great conversation about how cum tastes. Needless to say, there were some not-so-cosmopolitan people in the table next to us who didn’t want to hear independent single women talk about sex. It is so funny to talk loudly and vulgarly about sex in a public place near people who don’t want to hear you talk loudly and vulgarly about sex. They’re all like “you girls are whores.” And we’re all like, “fuck off.”

After that Kristin threw up and got puke in her hair so we were asked to leave, but other than that the night was totally glam.

Jun 27, 2008


Conan O'Brien spends entire show talking about audience reaction to his opening monologue.

Mar 26, 2008

Area Guys Are Hilarious

You’ve seen us, overweight and in need of a shave, hangin’ out at the local bar, slammin’ Guinness and talkin’ loud.

We’re fuckin’ hilarious.

You know it and so do we.

Have you seen Caddyshack? Gunga galunga. Do you like Dave Chappelle? I’m Rick James, bitch! What about Pulp Fiction? Ain’t no muthafuckin’ ballpark neither!

No one is better at repeating the funny things other people have said in movies than us. I, for instance, can say many lines pretty much accurately from several different Bill Murray movies (not just Caddyshack).

Have you ever seen 5 grown men call each other “Doctor” for 13 straight minutes? That was us, doing a little somethin’ from “Spies Like Us,” a certain movie starring Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd. The reason that we were so funny is that the scene we were mimicking was so funny. I mean it was really funny. We actually made that scene funnier, though, because in the movie the characters only call each other “doctor” for 20 to 30 seconds. We pushed the scene to its maximum hilarious capacity by continuing the scene a full 12 and a half minutes beyond its original length. Have you ever seen that movie? It’s awesome, totally underrated…totally underrated.

And what about those Knights of Knee you saw so hilariously romping around by the Dance Dance Revolution game at Dave and Busters? Again, that was us, locking it down, hilariously.

As you can see, the genius in doing what we do derives from an unjustifiably large knowledge of anecdotal movie and TV trivia, particularly about Seinfeld. Once you have pretty much memorized enough bits of comedic dialog, it’s just a matter of waiting for the right moment to pull out one of your gems.

For instance, the next time you hear somebody say that they have a craving for a bowl of soup, you should come in with a quick and hearty “no soup for you.” It will be sure to bring down the house.

Have you seen Office Space? Well, you can bet your ass that we have.

Don’t get me wrong, we also come up with our own jokes from time to time. You know those guys always calling each other fags? That’s us…hilarious. We also make jokes about the length and width of each others’ penises and the frequency with which each other engage in consensual sexual intercourse. That having been said, we always reserve the right to accuse each other of raping women and/or hiring prostitutes if one of us claims to have actually gotten laid (“You must have dropped a roofie on her, fattie, because I know no woman would intentionally fuck you!”). These jokes tend to go hand in hand with jokes about jacking off, because people who can’t get laid have to jack off a lot.

So, if you hadn’t already figured it out, it goes without saying that we are hilarious. Maybe next time one of us spills half a beer on some girl standing next to you and makes her cry, or screams sexually provocative profanities near small children, you’ll be cautious about giving us a hard time, because we are fuckin’ hilarious.

Disclaimer: We are in no way affiliated with the area guys who quote tough guy lines from gangster movies, particularly those starring Al Pacino and Robert Deniro (e.g., “Say hello to my little friend.”). We avoid those guys because they tend to start fights and we are generally too lazy to engage in hand to hand combat (although we definitely make jokes about those guys when they’re out of earshot, and those jokes are hilarious!).