Barbara: So, Alan, I must say that it is a pleasure to have you here tonight. I think I can speak for America when I say that we have been waiting with baited breath for this moment.
Thicke: Thanks Barbara. That really means a lot. It’s easy to forget sometimes just how important my career has been to my fellow Americans.
Barbara: Aren’t you Canadian Alan?
Barbara: Ok, well, how about we start with Growing Pains, since that is how you really came into your own as a comedic actor.
Thicke: To be quite honest with you Barbara, I have answered so many Growing Pains questions over the years that I've decided to move on and not live in that past. Don’t think of me as Dr. Jason Roland Seaver. Think of me for my body of work as a whole, of which Growing Pains is but a small part.
You know, I was talking with Ron Howard the other day and we were in a discussion about comedy, a subject which I happen to know a fair bit about.
Barbara: Needless to say.
Thicke: Thank you. Anyways, as I was saying, Ron kept insisting that Back To The Future would have been better with me cast as Doc Brown. Although my humility prevented me from agreeing with him aloud, one does not question the artistic vision of Mr. Ron Howard.
Barbara: I couldn’t agree more. Did you ever give any thought to the role of Marty? I mean, it was a bit out of your age range at the time but…
Thicke: Oh, absolutely. In fact, I was just talking to old Marty Scorsese the other day. You know Marty, never stops talking shop. So anyways, me and Marty are chewing the fat at the new Wolfgang Puck restaurant and he said, “Alan, what the hell were you thinking when you turned down Marty McFly?” And I said, “look Marty, I’ll grant you that you’ve done some good work and I respect your opinion, but it just wasn’t the right role for me.” Way too shallow, right? I mean Christ, the guy Forrest Gumps his way through Goodfellas and all of a sudden he’s a casting agent. Give me a break!
Barbara: You definitely have some strong opinions…a quality I have always cherished in you. And such confidence!
Thicke: Thanks Barbara, that really means something coming from you.
Barbara: So what does the future hold for Alan Thicke?
Thicke: The possibilities are really limitless. One project that I’ve had on the back burner for awhile now is a period piece about the Boston Tea Party. I mean, hello, talk about fodder for slapstick comedy.
Barbara: I didn’t know that you had ever done any slapstick.
Thicke: I haven’t but I’m sure I could do it exceptionally well.
Barbara: There’s that confidence again. I love it Alan. I really love it.
Thicke: You know Barbara, over the years many people have come up to me on the street, sidewalk, public restroom, whatever. They always say the same thing, “Alan, how the fuck do you stay so down to earth considering what a huge part of American culture you’ve become?”
Barbara: I can’t wait to hear the answer to this.
Thicke: I always give the same answer: “the key to being Alan Thicke is remembering that I’m just a person, like everyone else.” It would be very easy for me to walk through life conducting myself like the comedic icon that I am, drunk on my own talent and influence. But nobody wants to pay ten bucks to see that guy in a movie theatre. What they want to see is understated perfection, and that’s what I provide to them.
Barbara: Alan, you are simply a treasure.
Thicke: Barbara, please.
Barbara: Of course, I’m sorry. You are far too modest. You know what I think many people at home are wondering? What's a typical day in the life of Alan Thicke? Do you put your pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us?
Thicke: What you have to understand Barbara is that a person as gifted as myself is still human in a lot of ways. I may have a bigger bank account than most of your audience. I have probably slept with more women than most of you men at home can imagine, but I’m still just a person.
Barbara: That’s great Alan, really great.
Thicke: Would you like to hear some poetry I’ve written?
Barbara: Maybe another time.
Thicke: Well, it’s your show. Bitch [whispers].
Barbara: What was that?
Thicke: Oh, nothing. What else would you like to know about me?
Barbara: Well, I have heard rumors that you are interested in expanding your work into the arena of action film. Any truth to that?
Thicke: I can’t say anything definitively, but let’s just say that I have been courted by a certain director of a certain movie starring a certain John Travolta and a certain Sam Jackson to appear in the third installment of Kill Bill.
Barbara: Quentin Tarantino?
Thicke: I didn’t say that Barbara. Don’t put words in my mouth. Miramax would shoot me if they heard I was spreading rumors.
Barbara: You are aware that this will be televised aren‘t you?
Thicke: Please Barbara, you’re talking to the former star of Growing Pains here. Get with the program.
Barbara: Well America, that was Alan Thicke, as told by Alan Thicke. Straight from the horse’s mouth, as they say. Thanks so much for your time.
Thicke: My only wish is that I could value myself as much as everyone else seems to. It’s really pretty amazing when you think about it.
Barbara: To quote the good William Shakespeare, “truer words were never spoken.”