Clerk of Court of Clay County, Indiana
September 12, 2001
Dear Madam:
My name is Zelda Winchester and I am a concerned citizen of the great county of Clay, in the great state of Indiana [go Hoosiers!]. My purpose in writing is to make your office aware of a possible terrorist threat in our own community [of all places]. I know, I was surprised too.
Anyways, I was tending to my gooseberry bushes this morning [we must press on in our daily activities, as the Commander in Chief has said] when I noticed something queer. My neighbor, Maxine Johnson, was tending to her own gooseberries, as she does quite regularly. On an unrelated note, Mrs. Johnson, who is a widow-bless her heart-has taken first prize in the Clay County fair with her precious gooseberries seventeen straight years, enough to drive a person not as balanced as myself straight into the boobie hatch.
Today though, Mrs. Johnson was not alone. Working at her direction was what looked to be an illegal Mexican immigrant. I was as surprised as you will no doubt be when you read this. Anyways, this Mexican must have come via the new meat packing plant two counties over. I’m not one to tell rumors, but let’s just say that from what I’ve heard, the good people of Monroe County have had their hands full since the opening of this modern monstrosity!
Anyways, when I tried to engage Mrs. Johnson in conversation, she pretended not to hear me and then she and the Mexican went quickly into her large, centrally cooled home [apparently the crash of the Savings bank in the 80s didn’t hurt all of us]. Anyways, Maxine and the Mexican were in the house for what must have been an hour when they finally emerged and stepped into her car, which she used to drive both of them away [side note: the good widow must have come into some money recently, because she is now driving a new Cadillac, of all things!]. And when she saw me pointedly observing her actions with the Mexican, her face put on a look of strong annoyance [as if I, a concerned citizen, did not have the right to know what’s going on in my own town!].
Anyways, when I later confronted her about the suspicious nature of her activities, she rebuffed my concerns, saying that she had been experiencing severe arthritic symptoms and needed the help of the Mexican to maintain her blue ribbon gooseberries. Had I just fallen off the turnip truck I may have believed her. Fortunately for all of us living under the banner of the red, white and blue, I knew better. A woman of Maxine Johnson’s financial means obviously has the best of medicines at her disposal.
Anyways, I guess the ball is now in your court, no pun intended. I hope you will do whatever is necessary to ensure that this terrorist threat is eliminated before anything drastic happens.
Sincerely,
Zelda Winchester
P.S. Jesus loves you!!!
***
Zelda Winchester
September 14, 2001
Dear Zelda:
I am writing in response to your perplexing letter of September 12, 2001, in which you described what you perceived to be a “terrorist threat.” Although I share your concern for the state of our national security, you should know that you have chosen to air your grievance in the wrong forum.
As the clerk of court, I am unable to respond to any real or perceived “terrorist threats.” My office is mainly responsible for ordinary administrative tasks, including but not limited to issuing license plates, registering automobiles and recording deeds to real property.
If you wish to pursue this matter further, which I personally would not recommend, you should address your concerns to local law enforcement, be that the Center Point city police or the county sheriff.
Sincerely,
Barb Cooke
Clerk of Court of Clay County, Indiana
***
Barb Cooke
Clerk of Court of Clay County, Indiana
September 18, 2001
Dear Barb [I hope it’s okay that I dispense with formalities]:
Thank you for your prompt and kind response to my letter of September 12, 2001. I know that you will do what is in your heart.
Anyways, I thought I should call your attention to further terrorist activities in our beloved community. I would have written yesterday but I had my weekly canasta game in the afternoon and found myself buried in peach preserve canning until late into the evening [it was nearly eight o‘clock when I finally retired!].
Yesterday I saw my good neighbor Maxine Johnson engaged in what can only be described as un-American activity. It was approximately seven in the morning, so I had been awake for several hours and already had my single cup of coffee that I limit myself to now that I have hypertension, so I know I was clear-minded. Anyways, I was looking across the yard into Maxine’s garage from a secluded view on my sun porch.
What I saw shocked me, and I am a woman of the world, so that’s saying a lot! Mrs. Johnson was pulling something out of her trunk as she had just returned home from God knows where. I can’t be sure of what I saw, but it looked as though it could have contained explosives.
Despite all of the admonitions from national pundits that the next terrorist attack will probably occur in an urban area, [which would be infinitely more justified] I am savvy enough to know that the bread basket of America is more important to our great country than any slum-filled, minority-laden metropolis. And, although these terrorists look dumb, some of them are quite smart and have probably figured this out as well.
Let your conscience be your guide.
Zelda
P.S. The next time you see your sister Penny, please thank her for her wonderful contribution to the annual Future Farmers of America hayride. Her rhubarb cobbler should have no competition at next summer’s fair!
***
Zelda Winchester
September 26, 2001
Dear Zelda:
Although I thought my letter of September 14, 2001 was quite clear regarding my functions as the clerk of court, apparently you found its language ambiguous.
My office has no law enforcement function of any kind. We are not involved with the investigation or punishment of any criminal acts, including terrorist activities. I explained this to you personally on September 16, 2001 when you came into the office to transfer title of an automobile to your grandson Eric.
My job duties have in no way changed since that conversation, nor have the duties of any of my co-workers [here I would like to reference a phone call you made to my secretary, Patti Hornbaker, on September 17, 2001 to alert the court of a possible terrorist threat posed by your son-in-law].
On a personal note, I should say that I have known your son-in-law Frances since he was a child, as I used to baby sit him. I am quite certain that he is not now nor has he ever been involved in the production of methamphetamine. I also find it ridiculous that you would accuse him of harboring Iraqi terrorists in his basement. We were both in attendance at the Labor day barbecue he and your daughter hosted and you know just as well as I do that the only other people living in that house are your grandkids, whom Frances and your daughter provide quite well for.
I hope this will finally settle the matter.
Sincerely,
Barb Cooke
Clerk of Court of Clay County, Indiana
P.S. I mentioned to Penny that you were quite fond of the cobbler. She says thank you.
P.P.S. I heard the hayride was a great success.
***
Barb Cooke
Clerk of Court of Clay County, Indiana
September 27, 2001
Dear Barb:
Thank you for your encouraging response. When the dust settles, it will be people like you and I who have made this world safe to live in again.
You may or may not be surprised to hear that I have witnessed further terrorist activity by my neighbor, the good widow, Maxine Johnson. Today as she was returning from a rather expensive lunch with her rebel-rousing friend Kathy Huffington [I have a friend who works across the street at the tire shop, which is the only reason I know this], I overheard the two of them engaged in a political discussion.
Needless to say, Maxine, who is a Democrat [like the unfortunate name of our local rag/newspaper] had some less than flattering things to say about our leader President George W. Bush. I only managed to hear a few seconds of the conversation, but what I did hear was enough to peak my cautious skepticism of her love of freedom and America.
I won’t go into the details, because everyone knows there’s nothing worse than a gossip. However, this should serve as notice to your office that Maxine Johnson is a threat, and an immediate one at that!
Sincerely,
Zelda Winchester
P.S. Hope to see you at church this Sunday!
***
Zelda Winchester
October 22, 2001
Dear Zelda:
Your repeated mailings, in addition to being misguided, have become a hindrance to the proper operation of the court. I request that you cease all efforts at communication with me and this office.
Although I would probably do well to leave it at that and consider this nonsense a thing of the past, I cannot resist the urge to make a few personal comments.
First, I find it deplorable that you would go to such great lengths to tarnish the image of Mrs. Johnson, a woman with whom you have been friends for over thirty years. I am also astonished that you would accuse her of being a terrorist when you know full well, just as everyone in town does, that Mrs. Johnson is so riddled with arthritis that she has trouble taking care of herself and thus requires part-time medical care in her home at times of severe symptoms.
Further, your apparent obliviousness to my repeated statements that this office is in no way involved in law enforcement leaves me no choice but to think you have as your goal to make my life more difficult.
I will ask you a final time to not direct any further accusations of terrorist activity to this office. And, for God’s sake, mind your own business.
Barb Cooke
Clerk of Court of Clay County, Indiana
***
Barb Cooke
Clerk of Court of Clay County, Indiana
October 23, 2001
Dear Barb:
As always, I want to thank you for your tireless service to this great community. As you are no doubt aware, our terrorist threat has been stamped out. The widow Johnson, bless her heart, passed away in her sleep last night. The newspaper said she died of a stroke, but I think we both know that the true cause was the swift and unerring justice of our own Federal Bureau of Investigation.
A court of law probably would have been swayed by some slick lawyer from Bloomington or Fort Wayne anyway, so it’s just as well.
Anyways, I guess we can both sleep a little easier, for now. Just a hint, though, I would keep your eye on my new neighbors. I haven’t seen anything specifically terrorist-related, but I did notice that the man of the house was wearing corduroy pants. Corduroy pants!
Anyways, God bless us all.
Devoutly,
Zelda Winchester
P.S. See you at the visitation.
P.P.S. I’m bringing my famous gooseberry pie!
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