Jan 30, 2007

Poll: Most Americans Think Bush Is Doing Okay, All Things Considered

Sample Peggy Wilson, Secretary of Duluth, Minnesota Daughters of the Revolution, mother, reader to local senior citizens when she doesn’t have a conflict with one of her kids’ sporting events and/or practices, school band events and/or practices or whatever her dumb sister has her roped into doing that week.
Methodology We had a reporter stop Peggy while she was walking into First National Bank to ask her about President George W. Bush.
What she said “You know, I think if you asked the average American how the President is doing, they would say he’s doing okay, all things considered.” When asked what she meant by the phrase “All things considered,” Peggy explained, “With all the criticism he gets from people, it’s a wonder he’s able to get out of bed in the morning.”
When asked if she voted for President Bush in the last election “That’s none of your business, buster!”

Jan 25, 2007

I Think It’s Time We Had A House Meeting

All right guys, I think there are some issues that need to be addressed as far as the house goes. I think it’s time we had a house meeting. I don’t want to be a bad roommate or anything, but there have just been a few things lately that are becoming more and more frequent and I want to nip them in the bud. Mike, T., I know you guys are new in the house this year so you’re not completely familiar with the way we do things, but I keep seeing ketchup packets on the counter next to the toaster. That’s totally not where we keep them. The rule from day one our sophomore year was that when you come home from a fast food place, you put the extra ketchup packets in the drawer with the silverware, up front, so you don’t have to reach over all the silverware to get to them. It’s not only safer that way, but to be perfectly honest with you guys, having ketchup packets lying all over the counter makes us look like white trash. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t like looking like white trash. You guys may not be getting any pussy but I’m trying to get some pussy and I don’t want to bring a chick home from the bar to find goddamn ketchup packets lying on the kitchen counter. It’s just ridiculous.

Okay, next, and I can’t stress this enough guys, you gotta bring your empties out with you when you leave the shower. A few weekends ago I was bending over this super hot chick when she noticed a Beast Light can sitting next to the shampoo. It totally turned her off. Whoever did that, not cool, all right. Not cool.

Oh, and I know Dave’s out of town this weekend but he wanted me to mention the new Al Pacino poster in the hallway. T., you may not know the rule, so I’m willing to cut you some slack, but we always do a house vote on putting up a new poster in a common area. You can put up whatever you want in your room but we like to keep it pretty democratic with the common areas. That being said, I think it was a pretty sweet poster. Nice work. Just talk to us beforehand next time, that’s all.

Lastly, and this one might be the most important thing, whoever uses the Foreman last each night cleans it. If anybody has any scheduling issues, like night classes, for example, that they think make the system unfair, now is the time to speak up. Otherwise, I expect to find a clean Foreman when I get up in the morning and go into the kitchen for a glass of juice. Everyone in this house is at least 2 decades old. Let’s stop living like freshmen and maybe we’ll all get a little more pussy, all right.

Jan 23, 2007

This Week’s Horoscopes


You will vehemently but diplomatically defend your choice for Best Album of All Time until your friends get way out of line and turn the whole conversation personal. In an effort to avoid losing your temper, you will quietly leave the room and although everyone else will think you are being pissy, you can take comfort in the fact that you know you were the one who was being mature and everyone else was acting like a child.


Your Thursday drive to work will actually be quite a bit quicker than normal, most likely due to the Holiday.


Circumstances beyond your control will affect you.


You will go see a local band and realize why you never go see local bands.


You will see Apocalypse Now and it will freak you the fuck out.


Someone will fart and the smell of that fart, while bad, will not be nearly as bad as you assumed it would be.


You will threaten to commit suicide at the drop of a hat.


North Korea will be about a cunt hair away from blowing us all to shit.


You’ve never been to a musical and, god damn it, this is no time to start.


Somebody will do something that will just make you want to stop giving people chances, you know?