Rock Show

Hey, I saw you at the Rock Show last weekend. Aren’t your Mr. Wolf Howl, the douche bag who can’t sit through a solo or allow the music to slow down for a second and a half without belting out a screeching “owwwwwwww!!!!”? Thank you for yelling over the top of all the sound that I paid $70 to listen to. It really heightened my concert experience.

Or maybe you were the dipshit walking around with his shirt off. Interesting choice. Is that common practice for you, going into public shirtless? For example, do you go to work shirtless? Do you go to family gatherings shirtless? Do you go to the bank shirtless? Do you go to bars shirtless? Do you even go to a strip club shirtless? Of course you don’t. Do you know why? Because only idiots like you go out in public shirtless.

Apparently you even walked into the show shirtless because you didn’t seem to be carrying a shirt with you when I saw you. Did you take your shirt off in the parking lot? Did you tailgate shirtless? Did you drive to the show shirtless? If so, did you stop for gas or something to eat on the way to the concert and do that shirtless as well? Maybe have dinner with your family before the show shirtless?

Actually, maybe you were the girl with the high-pitched scream, standing next to Mr. Wolf Howl, piercing my ear drums every 20 seconds. Nice lower back tattoo. I’m sure your dad cries every time he sees it.

Wait, I know now, you are the girl who always starts dancing her stupid white-girl/arms flailing/hippie dance as soon as she walks through the gates, as if you can’t hear the music from the parking lot. And you always seem to be hanging out with those super cool people running around aimlessly for no apparent reason. Getting some exercise or just acting like an eight-year-old? Always not far behind are the girls inexplicably wearing no shoes. I guess the gravel and urine on the ground aren’t much of a concern for you, are they?

You didn’t even like the band did you? You weren’t planning on paying any attention at all, were you? Of course not. What was I thinking? It made far more sense for you to spend half the night talking on your cell phone at a show you didn’t even give a shit about just so people knew that you were there.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think it was the Slipknot show? Maybe Ozzfest? No, people were actually playing music there, you dick bag. And just because the music you listen to is “heavy,” doesn’t mean it’s good. If you wanted to hear good “heavy” music (not stupid, mindless bullshit) you would be listening to Helmet and not that monkey spunk you call music. By the way, sweet Marilyn Manson t-shirt. I’m sure your parents/society are very upset with you for wearing it.

I’m glad to see you didn’t feel confined not to hurl random, dangerous objects like half-drunk beer cans into the crowd. What’s a party without someone throwing shit, right? Good work on sneaking those Keystone Light cans into the show. I can certainly understand why because that’s a tough brand to find these days, particularly at events other than rodeos and stock car races.

Luckily though, I was able to enjoy a nice warm $13 beer while taking it all in. I even had the opportunity to wait in line for 35 minutes just for the pleasure of urinating in a piss trough, only to find myself after the show fighting off yet another piss for an hour and a half while waiting to get out of the parking lot.

What an awesome show.

60 Things Men Should Say To Their Women Every Day

I love you.

Your eyes are pretty.

Your eyes are beautiful.

Your eyes are gorgeous.

Your eyes sparkle.

I love the color of your eyes.

Your hair is pretty.

Your skin is smooth.

Your skin is soft.

Your skin is firm.

Your ass is firm.

Your ass is not big.

Your ass is not flat.

I love your ass.

Your hair is soft.

You smell good.

Your toenail and/or fingernail polish looks very sexy (unless the polish needs to be redone, which is certainly not my decision to make).

You look toned and/or firm.

You have great legs.

You do not have cankles.

I never really enjoyed having sex with any of my other lovers.

I very much enjoy having sex with you.

I respect you.

I want to listen.

I want to help you.

I want to be there for you, forever.

I want to grow old together.

I want to die in each other’s arms.

I want you to die before me so that you don’t experience the pain of losing me.

I want you to die after me so that you have a longer, fuller life.

I love my mom. I love you more.

I never really loved anyone romantically before I met you. I just thought I was in love. And, no, I was not in lust.

I love every woman in your family that you don’t hate and all of your female friends and I am attracted to none of them.

I would rather have my scrotum clawed off by hundreds of rats than have sex with any woman on Earth other than you.

I do not watch pornography.

I watch the kind of pornography that you watch.

You are a dirty little girl.

You are an amazing woman.

I have so much respect for you.

I love the way you walk.

I love the sound of your voice.

You have a pretty name (unless you don’t like your name).

You could have been a movie star.

I’m sure you would be a wonderful mother./You are a wonderful mother.

I do not think you are a bad driver.

You are a good driver.

What do you think?

How do you feel?

Are you ok?

Do you want to talk?

I’m sorry.

Is there anything I can do?

Are you sure?

Please let me help.

You look very pretty in your new dress/jeans/pants/skirt/shorts/top/bikini/panties/bra.

Your ass looks great in that/those.

Those heels make your legs look amazing.

Let me rub your feet.

I love your cooking but I just feel like cooking for you tonight. Let me pour you a glass of wine.

No I am not hungry but I will order it and eat most of it until I feel like I’m going to throw up so that you can have “a bite.”

I don’t think she’s pretty.

Point/Counter-Point:

Point: "You smoke too much weed."

Counterpoint: "Dude, I know."

Headline:

Conan O'Brien has Sam Jackson as guest, says nothing of his own whiteness.

Headline:

Bad thing happens to good person.

Area Girls Are So Funny

Oh…my God, my friends and I are so funny! It’s crazy. We’re like, always making jokes and stuff. We go out for ‘tinis after work every Friday and it is sooo much fun. We’re just like the girls from Sex and the City (I’m Carey).

Last week, my friend Jules (Julia) texted me and said all the girls were getting together at this very chic sushi bar downtown for sushi and ‘tinis. So, I finally found a pair of shoes that looked sexy but wouldn’t give me blisters and I met everyone downtown. Before I could say Sixteen Candles I was in the most hilarious conversation you’ve ever heard. The topics ranged from how ridiculous tampon commercials are to how much it sucks to shop for a swimsuit to hating our moms to the fact that we used to put Aquanet in our hair! Can you believe it? Aquanet! Sooo funny! It was so white trash, but in a totally 80s way, I love it!

Then we talked about how it sucks to get panties wadded up in our vaginas. We even used the word vagina, in front of a bunch of total strangers. Some of them were complete prudes and made weird faces at us but what do we care? We’re fabulous. And I think it was my friend Kristin who nearly made us pee our pants with her totally original comment about how under-wires can be uncomfortable. Riiight? Totally.

Then Kat (Katrina) was like, oh…my God. I’m totally dating this guy who wears briefs. What’s that about? What is this, like, 1982? You’ve got to be kidding me. So then this group of guys walks over and totally starts hitting on us. It was so obvious, too. They were all like “Hey ladies.” And we were all like “We don’t want to talk to you stupid boys. We’re fabulous.” And they were like, “whatever” and walked off. So then we were like “we should totally have more ‘tinis.”

So after we got the next round of ‘tinis we had this great conversation about how cum tastes. Needless to say, there were some not-so-cosmopolitan people in the table next to us who didn’t want to hear independent single women talk about sex. It is so funny to talk loudly and vulgarly about sex in a public place near people who don’t want to hear you talk loudly and vulgarly about sex. They’re all like “you girls are whores.” And we’re all like, “fuck off.”

After that Kristin threw up and got puke in her hair so we were asked to leave, but other than that the night was totally glam.

Headline:

Conan O'Brien spends entire show talking about audience reaction to his opening monologue.

Area Guys Are Hilarious

You’ve seen us, overweight and in need of a shave, hangin’ out at the local bar, slammin’ Guinness and talkin’ loud.

We’re fuckin’ hilarious.

You know it and so do we.

Have you seen Caddyshack? Gunga galunga. Do you like Dave Chappelle? I’m Rick James, bitch! What about Pulp Fiction? Ain’t no muthafuckin’ ballpark neither!

No one is better at repeating the funny things other people have said in movies than us. I, for instance, can say many lines pretty much accurately from several different Bill Murray movies (not just Caddyshack).

Have you ever seen 5 grown men call each other “Doctor” for 13 straight minutes? That was us, doing a little somethin’ from “Spies Like Us,” a certain movie starring Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd. The reason that we were so funny is that the scene we were mimicking was so funny. I mean it was really funny. We actually made that scene funnier, though, because in the movie the characters only call each other “doctor” for 20 to 30 seconds. We pushed the scene to its maximum hilarious capacity by continuing the scene a full 12 and a half minutes beyond its original length. Have you ever seen that movie? It’s awesome, totally underrated…totally underrated.

And what about those Knights of Knee you saw so hilariously romping around by the Dance Dance Revolution game at Dave and Busters? Again, that was us, locking it down, hilariously.

As you can see, the genius in doing what we do derives from an unjustifiably large knowledge of anecdotal movie and TV trivia, particularly about Seinfeld. Once you have pretty much memorized enough bits of comedic dialog, it’s just a matter of waiting for the right moment to pull out one of your gems.

For instance, the next time you hear somebody say that they have a craving for a bowl of soup, you should come in with a quick and hearty “no soup for you.” It will be sure to bring down the house.

Have you seen Office Space? Well, you can bet your ass that we have.

Don’t get me wrong, we also come up with our own jokes from time to time. You know those guys always calling each other fags? That’s us…hilarious. We also make jokes about the length and width of each others’ penises and the frequency with which each other engage in consensual sexual intercourse. That having been said, we always reserve the right to accuse each other of raping women and/or hiring prostitutes if one of us claims to have actually gotten laid (“You must have dropped a roofie on her, fattie, because I know no woman would intentionally fuck you!”). These jokes tend to go hand in hand with jokes about jacking off, because people who can’t get laid have to jack off a lot.

So, if you hadn’t already figured it out, it goes without saying that we are hilarious. Maybe next time one of us spills half a beer on some girl standing next to you and makes her cry, or screams sexually provocative profanities near small children, you’ll be cautious about giving us a hard time, because we are fuckin’ hilarious.


Disclaimer: We are in no way affiliated with the area guys who quote tough guy lines from gangster movies, particularly those starring Al Pacino and Robert Deniro (e.g., “Say hello to my little friend.”). We avoid those guys because they tend to start fights and we are generally too lazy to engage in hand to hand combat (although we definitely make jokes about those guys when they’re out of earshot, and those jokes are hilarious!).

Headline:

White liberal waiting for really good reason to criticize Barack Obama.

Supreme Court Really Trying to Get Away From Doing First Amendment Cases

Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. announced during a recent speech to his alma mater Harvard Law School’s graduating class that the high court is “really trying to get away from doing First Amendment Cases.”

“They just don’t have the sex appeal they used to,” he continued. “The rage right now is issues of disagreement among the circuits.”

“Hey, I love a good First Amendment case as much as the next guy,” said the Chief Justice, “but they can’t all be Brandenburg v. Ohio.”

Bruce Meyer: the First White Guy to Jokingly Act Like a Very Stereotypical White Guy Poorly Imitating a Very Stereotypical Black Guy

In case you’ve ever wondered who was the first white guy to jokingly act like a very stereotypical white guy poorly imitating a very stereotypical black guy, that man was Bruce Meyer.

Bruce Meyer spent much of his life in relative obscurity, just another grinder with a mortgage, a wife and horrible, horrible clothes. But on February 23, 1987, Bruce Meyer secured his place in history with three words: “What up homes?” Bruce Meyer not only went outside the fold with his selection of ebonic phrase, but his famous utterance also carried the most obnoxious country club voice anyone has ever heard.

Anytime you hear one of your white friends say something like “Word” in a lavishly exaggerated tone, you have Bruce Meyer to blame. Also blame the savage whim of fate because had it not been for Bruce Meyer being forced into a situation in which he had to act “cool” to his sister’s new black boyfriend, you may never have been subjected to thousands of Saturday Night Live skits in which a white man or woman inevitably/“humorously” fails at rapping.

Bruce Meyer may well be described as the 1980s equivalent to the “You know the difference between men and women?” stand up routine guy of the 1990s. Then again, the “I’m a heterosexual male but just so gosh darn cute even though maybe a little feminine” (see, any episode of Friends) guy of this decade/pit of fire might learn a thing or two from Bruce Meyer about staying power.

However you chop it up, Bruce Meyer deserves to be shot. Then, maybe we can say there’s been a little justice.

American Voter Apathy Blamed For American Voter Apathy

The relatively recent phenomenon of low voter turnout in the United States, commonly referred to as “voter apathy,” has defied explanation by political scientists for decades. A new breakthrough, though, claims to have finally explained why American voters don’t turn out at the polls. According to leading political thinkers at the University of Chicago, voter apathy is to blame for all of the recent voter apathy.

Dr. Michael Monroe’s new article “How American Voter Apathy is Responsible for Voter Apathy Among American Voters,” has been mentioned in the same breath as Henry Fairlie’s “The Politician’s Art” by many academics. In his article, Dr. Monroe describes the American voter apathy anomaly, unique among Western representative democracies, as a “vicious cycle” and a “self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Explains Monroe, “the best analogy I can give is a neighborhood boy who is taught from early on in his life that he is good for nothing. He’ll never amount to anything. It’s very hard to come back from something like that. Eventually, you start to think, ‘You know, maybe I am good for nothing.’ And so the cycle continues.”

Review of Bob Dylan’s “The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan” by Devin Lester (college student)

Boy, this album has really got some good songs on it. I mean, like, this album should be considered one of the best of all time. There’s this one song on it called “Blowin’ in the Wind”…totally awesome! I think one of my friends’ parents or somebody like that played it for me when we were getting lifted off a big Bob Marley joint last weekend. Isn’t that sweet when you meet a parent who isn’t all establishment and shit? It’s like, thank you! I mean God, my parents are always coming down on me and it’s like…I am so tired of dealing with your negativity Mom and Dad, not to mention your bourgeois corporate propaganda.

Back to the album, though, I’ve been really identifying with Bob Dylan lately. I just feel like we have a spiritual connection, even though I don’t believe in organized religion. Opiate of the masses right?

You know, I was shrooming my balls off last weekend and my friend Fart Dog [was it Fart Dog or Cheese?] was like, dude, don’t you ever think there’s more to life than working for some big company in some tall building with a bunch of Fascist pigs? By the way, his name isn’t really Fart Dog, it’s actually Ryan. He’s really smart, too. He hasn’t been to one organic chemistry lecture this semester and he’s still pulling a C. Think if he actually tried!

I think the first time I heard Bob Dylan was at a happy hour my freshman year. The song was about a man with a maraca. I thought it was a little weird that Dylan was singing about some maraca man but you don’t question pure fucking genius, right? We had so many fucking shots that night it was ridiculous. I was like, “hey guys, I’m just sticking to beer today.” But all my boys started drinking tequila and it was so over.

But Dylan is such a genius! He stands for everything I think I believe. He’s anti-establishment, he’s counter-culture, he doesn’t play by the rules of mainstream society and he refuses to serve American consumerism.

I’m taking this introduction to Marxist thought class and I think I may be a socialist. Who knows though, right? Today socialism. Tomorrow, maybe Buddhism.

Anyway, you gotta get Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits. It kicks so much ass. Maybe I’ll catch you at the Rusted Root show this weekend. Free the Hurricane!

Poll: Most Americans Think Bush Is Doing Okay, All Things Considered

Reuters:
Sample Peggy Wilson, Secretary of Duluth, Minnesota Daughters of the Revolution, mother, reader to local senior citizens when she doesn’t have a conflict with one of her kids’ sporting events and/or practices, school band events and/or practices or whatever her dumb sister has her roped into doing that week.
Methodology We had a reporter stop Peggy while she was walking into First National Bank to ask her about President George W. Bush.
What she said “You know, I think if you asked the average American how the President is doing, they would say he’s doing okay, all things considered.” When asked what she meant by the phrase “All things considered,” Peggy explained, “With all the criticism he gets from people, it’s a wonder he’s able to get out of bed in the morning.”
When asked if she voted for President Bush in the last election “That’s none of your business, buster!”

I Think It’s Time We Had A House Meeting

All right guys, I think there are some issues that need to be addressed as far as the house goes. I think it’s time we had a house meeting. I don’t want to be a bad roommate or anything, but there have just been a few things lately that are becoming more and more frequent and I want to nip them in the bud. Mike, T., I know you guys are new in the house this year so you’re not completely familiar with the way we do things, but I keep seeing ketchup packets on the counter next to the toaster. That’s totally not where we keep them. The rule from day one our sophomore year was that when you come home from a fast food place, you put the extra ketchup packets in the drawer with the silverware, up front, so you don’t have to reach over all the silverware to get to them. It’s not only safer that way, but to be perfectly honest with you guys, having ketchup packets lying all over the counter makes us look like white trash. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t like looking like white trash. You guys may not be getting any pussy but I’m trying to get some pussy and I don’t want to bring a chick home from the bar to find goddamn ketchup packets lying on the kitchen counter. It’s just ridiculous.

Okay, next, and I can’t stress this enough guys, you gotta bring your empties out with you when you leave the shower. A few weekends ago I was bending over this super hot chick when she noticed a Beast Light can sitting next to the shampoo. It totally turned her off. Whoever did that, not cool, all right. Not cool.

Oh, and I know Dave’s out of town this weekend but he wanted me to mention the new Al Pacino poster in the hallway. T., you may not know the rule, so I’m willing to cut you some slack, but we always do a house vote on putting up a new poster in a common area. You can put up whatever you want in your room but we like to keep it pretty democratic with the common areas. That being said, I think it was a pretty sweet poster. Nice work. Just talk to us beforehand next time, that’s all.

Lastly, and this one might be the most important thing, whoever uses the Foreman last each night cleans it. If anybody has any scheduling issues, like night classes, for example, that they think make the system unfair, now is the time to speak up. Otherwise, I expect to find a clean Foreman when I get up in the morning and go into the kitchen for a glass of juice. Everyone in this house is at least 2 decades old. Let’s stop living like freshmen and maybe we’ll all get a little more pussy, all right.

This Week’s Horoscopes

Taurus:

You will vehemently but diplomatically defend your choice for Best Album of All Time until your friends get way out of line and turn the whole conversation personal. In an effort to avoid losing your temper, you will quietly leave the room and although everyone else will think you are being pissy, you can take comfort in the fact that you know you were the one who was being mature and everyone else was acting like a child.

Gemini:

Your Thursday drive to work will actually be quite a bit quicker than normal, most likely due to the Holiday.

Cancer:

Circumstances beyond your control will affect you.

Virgo:

You will go see a local band and realize why you never go see local bands.

Libra:

You will see Apocalypse Now and it will freak you the fuck out.

Scorpio:

Someone will fart and the smell of that fart, while bad, will not be nearly as bad as you assumed it would be.

Sagittarius:

You will threaten to commit suicide at the drop of a hat.

Capricorn:

North Korea will be about a cunt hair away from blowing us all to shit.

Aquarius:

You’ve never been to a musical and, god damn it, this is no time to start.

Pisces:

Somebody will do something that will just make you want to stop giving people chances, you know?